I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
