Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
