i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
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im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
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I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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