apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
