Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
