The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
