My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
