I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
