the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
