i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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