I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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