giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
