Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
