Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
