I can text with my tongue
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
