Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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