i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
