got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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