Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
