She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
