Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
