Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
