we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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