Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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