But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
