I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
