handjob tips. give me some.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
