you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
