I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
