Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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