I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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