I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
