My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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