When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
