Will you blow on my dice?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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