like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
