david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
