fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
