I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize