You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
