WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
