i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
