smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
