Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Two words: nipple clamps
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