Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
