i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
