please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
