There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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