Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
