you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere