the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed