dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.