Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.