Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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