I wish my penis had an off switch
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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