allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
