haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
